Long time, no blog.

Welcome back, friends. As you know, I have not blogged since Malaysia (September). Around then, my life started changing and there has hardly been time for blogging. The time I have when I get to sit still and think is better spent praying than blogging. There is the first clue that my life has changed. I have been asked many times for blogs that chronicle the rest of the adventuring Cali (the love of my former life) and I did before stopping to return to the US. This is not that blog. Sorry for the disappointment, folks. I just don’t have it in me.

What this blog IS… I don’t quite know yet. I hope you’ll join me as I figure it out.

I feel like I could talk all day about the me I used to be. I could tell stories you might not believe, and others you would hope are not true, and others still that bring a smile to your face. I could talk about my journey back to the US alone, the aftermath, the joyous reunion and the heartbreak that followed. I believe I could even find it in me to share with you the mistakes I’ve made and learned so very much from… but I won’t. Why? Because if you don’t already know, then that part of my story isn’t about you. It isn’t for you. If any part of my story will bring a light into your darkness, God will lead me there with a flashlight of faith that never runs out of batteries. I will not provide my story as a basis for gossip, rumors or hearsay. I will sit down and have a cup of coffee with you and tell you all about it should you choose to ask 🙂 I don’t live in the dark, I don’t keep secrets, I don’t tell lies and I am not hiding anything now that I would be ashamed to uncover to the world. Now and here just aren’t the time and place.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Meghan. I live in Lockhart Texas, and my interests are: praying, reading my bible, driving legally and spending as much time as possible with the two most beautiful little girls this world has ever seen. I have 2 daughters. I am divorced, but still hold my married name. I would do anything to help anyone, be it stranger, loved one, friend or foe. I love to smile. I enjoy a glass of wine or two, but I do not get drunk. If I hear of a hard time you are experiencing, I will pray about it and ask others to do the same. I juice fresh produce at home. A lot. I want a garden. And chickens. I am growing my hair out to be as long as it can be, which presently isn’t very long since I’ve been shaving most of my head for about a year. I take very good care of my skin with Mary Kay products. I will own a house one day. I love my cat more than you can imagine. I wear comfortable clothes whether or not they are fashionable, though I do LOVE to be in style. My usual attire consists of a tank top and jeans with slip-on ballet flats, or a dress so cute you’ll want to slap me for it. My day (and sometimes night/weekend) job is as an editorial assistant and organizational wiz for a financial copy writing company. Read: I get paid to correct people’s spelling, punctuation and grammar, and I put things away in nice, neat little boxes online. My direct supervisor is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I heart my job. I love to clean. Not just clean, but CLEAN. Clean like you can see your reflection in the bathtub. Clean like you could cook on and eat off of the floor. Clean like even the dish soap bottle gets a wipe. If I have been to your house, especially if left alone there, I have probably cleaned something whether you know it or not. I am also available to be hired to clean your house, car or office. Did I mention I like to clean? Moving on… I have a large-screen blue laptop that I named Fancy. She hasn’t yet let me down. I listen to Adele quite often. When driving, I only listen to Christian radio. I will let you change the channel to suit your tastes if you ask, but I choose between 3 stations I can pick up depending on what area I’m in. I like to cook. I can cook a few things quite well without any direction at all, but I can follow a recipe with amazing results. I put sandwich cheese on spaghetti. I do not have any outstanding or unpaid tickets. I like rules. I love pink. I want to get married. Yes, again.

All that being said-you still know nothing about me unless you know that GOD is the most important thing in my life. The only reason I’m alive to write this blog, actually. Once I stopped struggling against God’s plans for me and accepted that He knows best, my life changed in ways I couldn’t possibly articulate.

Around February, I found myself with quite a bit of daily time on my hands. My world had been rocked; my future uncertain. I had hit a rock-bottom that I certainly can’t compare to other people’s much rockier bottoms, but for me-it was a devastating time. I felt myself hit the slab of concrete at the bottom of a hole I had been digging for myself over the years. I didn’t even want to wake up in the morning, and I certainly didn’t want to get out of bed when I did.  As I lie there, bleeding and broken, I had to make a choice: Die, or rebuild on this solid foundation of rock that I’d been given. I have always prayed. I have always believed in God. I have always claimed to be a Christian. At that time, there was nothing else I could do. I had lost everything I had fought for. I had done the “right” things and still felt so wrong. I no longer felt as if there was any tangible control to be had in my life. On that rock, I got on my knees. I prayed like I had never prayed before. I prayed with the belief that God could and would intervene in my life, not with the intention that praying would somehow give me the power to do it all myself. That was the biggest difference in my prayers… the belief that I was praying because I needed God, not because I was checking in with my supervisor/insurance policy in order to keep me in good standing or gain power. I lifted my hands and voice to God, and He was right there. Right.There. He didn’t pick me up off of my knees and deliver me into fortune, or take away all the pain I was feeling. He didn’t smite my enemies or bring my love to my door. But once I made the decision to ask God to open my eyes, ears, mind and heart to His word and plan, He did. He began speaking to me. He began changing me. I started to read my bible every day and listen to sermons from an app on my phone. I began vocalizing my intention to follow God and letting go of trying to control my own life.

I came to the realization that I am not capable of running my life alone. I can not be trusted to make the right decisions on my own. Without God, I will ruin my life and the lives of anyone I make decisions for. Once that became my truth, I began to make decisions prayerfully. I began to make decisions based on the old “WWJD?” philosophy. I began asking God for discernment and confirmation. And He gave it to me. No, He didn’t call me up on the phone, or leave me a creepy written on the mirror in the shower fog message, but He was (and is) very clear about things. Listening when God speaks has brought so many blessings into my life and I recommend it to everyone.

I recently had to make one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. A decision I did not (do not?) believe I am ready to make, but God impressed upon my heart that it was time. It involves being patient. Have we met?? lol Patience is not something I can claim to be good at. Even moderately. Knowing I might be waiting for something that will never happen makes it even harder. Trusting in God and believing that He has perfect timing and knows what is best for us all makes it… not easier, but less hard (if that makes sense). I no longer pray for easy. I no longer pray for God to take away my pain or move an obstacle or deliver anything into my hand. I pray for the strength to weather the storm and always believe that God is right next to me fighting for and with me through any pain. I pray for the ability to see and take whatever opportunity God presents me to overcome whatever obstacle might be there. I pray for the patience to wait for the time when I should receive, or the ability to accept when it is not meant to be. I communicate to God what I desire, even though He knows my heart better than I do, and then I trust that if it is meant for me, it will be. If I see a need in someone, I will give all I have to fill it because I know God will provide me with everything I need. If I don’t have something, it is because what I NEED is to go without it.

I still make mistakes. I still fall down. I still cry more than I’d like to admit, earning my “crybaby” nickname from an unnamed source. But now, I learn from my mistakes… when I fall, I don’t try to get up any further than my knees… when I cry, I thank God for His blessings in between sobs. I’m happier now, though my heart is broken, than I have ever been in my life. I am not sinless, but I strive to sin less. I am not perfect and I never will be. I am not who I once was.

Hello. My name is Meghan.

Easter 2012

I may have switched the station, but I still hope you’ll stay tuned…