What’s My Motivation?

How do we go from wanting to be kind to considering homicide so fast?


Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. —Phil 2:3-4


Jesus didn’t do things for others because he wanted their “thanks” or appreciation. As a matter of fact, he was often unappreciated. Did he stop doing the right thing, blessing people, or helping them because they didn’t receive those things the way he’d like them to?

No. He loved them and served them because of who God is, and because they were made in His image. Not because of who they were or how they responded to Him.

He kept healing… blessing… being who He was created to be because He loved them—even when they didn’t thank Him.

If our goal is to be like Jesus, we have to remember that if we do things for others with selfish motives, we aren’t really doing anything for THEM—we’re doing it for US.

Whatever you do, work at it wholeheartedly as though you were doing it for the Lord and not merely for people.—Colossians 3:23 ISV

The Bible goes one step further and says we should do for others as if we are doing for God Himself. It doesn’t, however, say that if we do “as unto the Lord” that others will follow suit.

So many people do nice things in order to receive. To receive accolades, a pat on the back, or some sort of return on their investment. I know I’ve been guilty of that… While that might not seem like a bad thing – ROI is GREAT when it comes to money! – it can be very bad, indeed.

What happens when you hold the door for someone who just walks by and doesn’t say thank you? Do you (even briefly) think, “what a jerk!” or that their parents must have been wolves?

What if you give someone a gift and they don’t seem to care, or they even tell you they don’t like it? Do you regret giving it to them, or maybe want to poke them in the eye?

Whoa! How did we go from wanting to be kind to considering homicide so fast? #thatescalatedquickly

At the point that you allow someone’s reaction to make you regret your generosity, you’ve realized the selfish nature of your actions.

Why were you holding the door? To do something nice, or to receive thanks? Why did you give the gift? To bless that person, or to be praised?

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy,and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven,where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.—Matthew 6:19-21


When you allow yourself to be kind and generous to others without expecting anything in return, you remove the possibility of being offended by their actions in response to yours. You maintain control of your own feelings instead of handing them over to, in the case of holding the door, a complete stranger.

It is worth saying that handing control of your feelings over to ANYONE, even a loved one or spouse, is a bad idea. It’s called self control for a reason. YOU are the one who should control your SELF.

Letting someone else decide how you feel is bad, mmkay? And trying to control their decision about how they’ll make you feel is worse. Are you pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down?

The expectation that someone else will respond to your kindness in any particular way is actually a form of manipulation and it is completely unfair to that person (not to mention unrealistic).

Is it logical/reasonable to believe you’ll receive a “thank you” when you do something nice? YES! Absolutely. But when the absence of the thank you makes you wish you didn’t do it, it’s also reasonable to posit that you didn’t do it for them, you did it for what you expected them to do for you.

Like I said, I’ve certainly had to check myself on this very expectation.

It is so hard not to be offended when people don’t respond to my kindness or generosity the way I think they should. (What is WRONG with them?!?) I’ve definitely uttered a rude “you’re WELCOME” to people who never said “thanks,” and I’ve thrown in people’s faces what I previously did for them when they didn’t come through for me the way I thought they should.

I’m a work in progress.

When I remember that I’m not giving to others in order to glorify myself (or to get them to glorify me), but to glorify God, and that I don’t need to be praised by man to know who I am in Christ, it is much easier to pray for them, praise Him, and move along in the fruits of the long-suffering Holy Spirit.

“While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.” Stephen R. Covey


I challenge you to consider your motivation the next time someone responds to your kindness or generosity in a way you didn’t expect or desire. Instead of getting mad (or getting even), try GETTING OVER IT. IMMEDIATELY. And then do some more good.

I’m just a vessel

Welcome back, friends…

There is so much going on in my life! So much I want to share with you and tell you about. I hope to find time during all this WEDDING PLANNING to blog (I got engaged on my birthday!) but until I do, I want to give you this brief post.

I mentioned in my last post, God Met Me on OKCupid, that I attend a rather large church. I mean thousands of members. Out of all those people, sometimes members are chosen to share their testimony with the congregation via video that is played during 4 services and broadcast online reaching I-don’t-even-know-how-many people. I knew that some of the staff members had heard about my story and I had been asked to share a bit of it for a promo for our Women’s conference last year. I was still surprised when they asked me if they could tape my testimony and share it with ev-er-y-body. I know the bible calls us to share our testimony with the world because it is by Jesus’ blood and our testimony that others will be saved, but I was believing the lie that my story didn’t matter. (“Way to believe in the bible as the ultimate truth there, God follower!” Ok, ok. I get it.) After they played my video, I received texts, emails, FaceBook messages and hallway stops from people who wanted to thank me for sharing. So many people could identify with or were touched by that little part of my story! I’ve been blessed by testimonies of others that I would have maybe never heard if I hadn’t shared mine. I’ve been able to share other parts of my testimony that are not part of the video with people who needed to hear it. I’m able to reach people because of my past that others simply couldn’t get the time of day from… because I’m a willing vessel to be used by Christ. I haven’t done anything extraordinary, but God is using me to do amazing things in the lives of His children. All I really have to do is say, “I’m here, God. Use me.” Try it – He will.

I went in and shared with the camera the story I told you guys last time (in the above mentioned blog) and I extended it to the part I haven’t gotten around to tell you yet… the miracle of my car wreck. Today I’ll share the video they made with you, and soon I’ll tell the full story.

Here is my testimony video.

I’ll wrap this post up by asking you to comment or email me your own story (meghan@thisismeghan.com), or anything you want to say after hearing this much of mine. I’ll also leave you with a beautiful picture of God’s blessings – my family. I can’t wait to tell you about this man that I’ll spend the rest of my life with after September 20, 2014. I’m getting married, you guys!!

Also, can you believe how big my girls are??

What’s next (and how long will it be before you find out)? Stay tuned…

God met me on OKCupid ~or~ How I met my church

Welcome back, friends. It’s story time…

Once upon a time, I was looking for a church. I had been reading my Bible and praying and walking out my faith while seeing the very real evidence of God in my life, but I was tired of doing it alone. I saw several miracles come to pass for me specifically – the supernatural hand of God in my life – and I knew without a doubt that God is. (Is what? He IS. He just is.) My eyes were coming open! I didn’t feel qualified to lead myself on the journey I was beginning. I had questions that needed answers. I prayed and searched the good book, but I was getting frustrated. I was at a fork in my spiritual road, and I felt I needed a point in the right direction. For the first time in my life, I knew I needed a church family. At first, it seemed like an easy problem to solve. The very next Saturday, the week before Easter 2012, I returned to the Seventh Day Adventist church where I had been a member since I was 18 years old. I hadn’t been in a few years, but I’m in the directory so I must belong there, right?

Before church there is a Sabbath School time. Basically, it’s Bible study, but it’s from a standard quarterly guide that all the SDA churches use. You can go to just about any SDA church on a Saturday and they’ll be talking about the same thing. I really enjoyed the discussion time. I got some of my questions answered, I had fellowship, I was in the presence of God. BAM. Then I’d go to service, and the service felt dead… I don’t know how else to explain it. I listened, hoping for a word that gave life, but I still left feeling thirsty and dry. Next Saturday, the same thing. The following Saturday, same. I still did my quarterly assignments every night and read my Bible. I thought maybe I just needed to get used to going to church again, and that it must be the enemy trying to keep me from God. It wasn’t long after I started back to church that I felt like I needed to be baptized. I asked about baptism at church and spent some time in the leader guy’s office talking to him about it. He sent me home with a stack of things to read and watch, and a list of things to do before we would talk about me being baptized. I felt like a boulder had been dropped on me… it didn’t feel right. When I left his office that day, I felt sick. I wanted to leave quickly. I felt like everything he said sounded like a lie! It wasn’t the first time I had talked to him, I had known most of the people in that church for a good long time, but all of the sudden I felt like I was escaping capture. I knew I wouldn’t go back there.

I started to research different religions and churches. I looked into the churches that are registered in the county I live in. I live in a pretty small town, and there are over 40 churches! I began asking around about where other people go, but many of the people I knew didn’t go to church. I asked neighbors, social media, family members – everyone. Once I started asking around, I started getting invited to services. It seems worth mentioning that I never got the same answer twice. I did not find two people that went to the same church in this small town. I accepted every invitation I got, and each church just didn’t feel right. What I concluded after all my visits was that the cliques I went to school with (or their parents before them) decided they wanted to maintain their groups. They wanted to worship God with just their crew, in the way that seemed right  to them, and outsiders were invited but not necessarily welcome. Nobody was mean to me, though I did meet some ugly looks. I also ran in to some of the people who didn’t like me in school, and they clearly had not changed their minds! WHERE ARE THE JESUS FOLLOWING, BIBLE READING, PEOPLE LOVING CHRISTIANS?? I was getting frustrated and sad. Every other Sunday my girls were with me and they were not happy about the church hopping, either. I gave up.

I gave up looking for a church and instead began looking for a man. During the great church search, I had removed Cali from my life and felt even more alone than I had before. He was pretty much the only person I had to talk to about God, and once I stopped talking to him I just returned to my lonely hole. Instead of reading my Bible, I read online dating profiles. During a road-trip with my best friend and my kids, I gave in to peer pressure (and boredom) and I downloaded OKCupid to my phone. I set up my profile, picked a username (with the help of my toe tattoos), and got to searchin’. There had to be a Jesus loving man out there somewhere who would be interested in a divorced woman with kids and who knows how to spell. There had to. Most messages I received were ignored. I didn’t send many, but when I got replies it was obvious they were not the one for me. I met one in July that I spent some time with, but one day he vanished into thin air. No joke.

School started back up in August, and I traveled a bit – I was a little miffed by the disappearing act, so I took a break from the online dating world.

September rolls around and life is looking up. I moved out of the ghetto and into a good size house, I have my kids after school most days, I have two jobs, Riss moved in with me so money wasn’t as tight… I had some extra time and thought I’d see what OKC had for me. I reactivated my account and had a look around. A few days later I got a message from a guy commenting on my hair. “I had that same haircut last summer.” That’s all. I responded asking if that was his attempt at beginning conversation, or if that was all he had to say. I figured I wouldn’t hear from him again, but, to my surprise, he responded with an upbeat message and I felt compelled to indulge the exchange. After a day of exchanging online messages, we switched to texts. From his profile, he had kids and loved God. He was athletic and good looking. He could spell. Why not? We spent a few days texting and getting to know each other. We had so many things in common! We made plans to meet in person the following Saturday. On Wednesday, however, we had a particularly awesome day of shared interests and good conversation. I asked him if he was sure he wasn’t free that night because I wanted very much to see if he was real. He informed me that he had to be somewhere, but that I was welcome to go. He was going to a church small group entitled Faith-Based Parenting. This excited me for two reasons… I had prayed many times for God to show me the man for me by him inviting me to church AND I was going to meet this guy. Nevermind that going to this small group meeting meant that I would get off work at one job, drive 45 minutes home, work at my other job, get dressed, and drive over an hour to the church he invited me to. I might have turned down the invitation from a friend inviting me to a church that far away, especially on that night since it would be such a hassle to make it, but I was not going to tell him no! Priorities, yo.

I get there. This church is BIG. I’ve never been to a church like this before. I had seen big churches on TV, but it just wasn’t my thing. The group was in a small portable building that was labeled as the K-1 building. The toys inside let me know that it was usually used for children’s activities. I was the first one to arrive, and was 20 minutes early. Upon entering, I met a beautiful woman with the most welcoming smile I’ve ever seen. She welcomed me in, asked my name, complimented me on my bow and started up a conversation. I was immediately at ease. People started to file in, so I made a name tag and took a seat at the back. Right before class started, in walks Mr. Charming (MC). No time to talk, so I surprised him with a hello hug and we turned our faces front for the message. The more she talked, the more I fell in love with Jamie Keith. Her southern accent was adorable and she spoke from her heart. It seemed like the class was short that night. It was just over an hour, but it certainly didn’t feel that long. MC and I talked after class for about 30 minutes and I made the long haul home. I did meet him Saturday as planned (kind of) and he invited me to check out a Sunday service the next day. I, of course, accepted that, too. The small group met every Wednesday for about 8 weeks, and I had come for the first time on the first night of the class for that session. Coincidence? I think not.

I continued making the trip to Celebration Church every Wednesday and Sunday. After the second small group, I was invited to dinner at the fellow’s house. We began hanging out after every Wednesday service, and usually Sundays, too. At first, I’ll admit, I attended church (over an hour from my house, faithfully, twice a week) in order to spend time with this guy and his pretty fantastic kids. I fell in love with the little ones almost right away, and my girls made fast friends with them, as well. He lived right near the church, so it made sense for me to stay there if I didn’t have my girls but I did have church the next day. That way, I wouldn’t have to take time from my work day to drive to church during peak traffic times. I very much enjoyed attending service, but I hadn’t met many people yet and I wasn’t committed. I basically used church services as an excuse to see this guy more often.

I was, however, getting into the Word more often as I was challenged by Pastor Joe Champion’s sermons. Every message he gave was straight from scripture. The more I read, the more I wanted, and the more I got. The longer I went to this place, the more often I wanted to be there. The non-relationship I had with the guy who originally invited me got confusing, and I looked to God more and more for answers. The message God kept giving me was to keep going and not give up. Persevere. It seemed like every time I thought about giving up on the feeling I had for this guy, God stopped me in my tracks. I stopped talking to him, suddenly there was a reason I needed to talk to him. I decided never to go back to his house, I left my life-giving computer cord at his house and arrived to retrieve it at the same time that work needed me online right away and before I could finish and leave, the littles arrived home from school and asked for homework help (MC was at work). These things sounds so insignificant as I read them back to myself, but I was compelled to stay where I was. I was uncomfortable, I wasn’t satisfied with the return on investment with him, but I felt the Lord calling me to just keep doing what I was doing. Whether I imagined that or not, I kept right on. Funny how God works… He knew that if I gave up on the guy, I might give up on that church. I hadn’t yet moved my investment.

Anyway, I began to meet more people. Through MC, I met a family that he had been friends with for a long time (their kids were best friends, and so were they), and they also just happened to go to Celebration. Actually, they were the ones who invited him to go in the first place. The more I talked to them, and the more our kids hung out, the closer we got. To this day, I love them dearly and consider them like a brother and sister to me. They were there for me in a few tough spots, and when they were needed they came running to my side. I thank God for them often.

In January I realized I’d been there almost 4 months, and it was time to put my money where my faith was. I began to tithe. I had never tithed before and it was tough to put it first, but I did. I had to. I knew the Bible was clear about honoring God and giving Him the first fruits, and I was well aware that I only had my job because of His grace to begin with (that’s another testimony). I began serving at the church and giving of my time doing things like cleaning classrooms and restocking for service. While I served I met more people, and then I began forming relationships with these people. I even reconnected with someone from my past when we joined the same small group for the next session. God totally put her in my life back then and now, and her friendship is such a blessing. She has spoken life into my soul on more than one occasion. Over time, when I went to service I stopped walking around with my head down trying not to make eye contact and just find a seat, but I started searching the crowd for familiar faces. It got to where I couldn’t go far without a smile or hug from someone who knew my name. I still saw that guy a lot, but he was no longer the reason I was driving so far to be in God’s house. His face wasn’t the face I looked forward to seeing two to four times a week. The convenience of his house was just that – a convenience that enabled me to be at my church more often. I had unknowingly become part of a church family. God used what I wanted to give me what I needed.

I didn’t go to Celebration looking for a church – I went to Celebration to meet a man. What I found was the family I belonged to. What I found was acceptance. Love. Relationships. Truth. What I found was the place God wanted me to be planted. Where He wanted me to grow. I was planted and being watered and fed by a congregation of believers who accepted me as I was. Everyone I met was the embodiment of “come as you are”. I’ve changed a lot since then, but not because they manipulated me or asked me to change or even suggested that I change. As I was loved and accepted, I longed to be a better person. I wanted to be the kind of person worthy of what they were giving me. I began wanting to reflect the light of God to others the way it had been shone into the dark parts of my life. I made more connections and started speaking life into people with scripture in their time of need, and being sought out for advice. ME! I was being asked for Godly encouragement! Even some of my nonbeliever friends would come to me when things were rough because they recognized that I had something that was getting me through my own rough spots. It was like I was a whole new person. And I was. Except for a few parts of my life that I just wouldn’t let go of, but He would soon strip me of those, too.

Luke 11:9 NLT “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.”

You will receive; You will find; It will be opened. But it might not look like what you expected.

I’m proof that God will meet you wherever you are and lead you where you need to be if you’ll just follow Him. God met me on OKCupid.

Where did He lead me? Stay tuned…

Filling the gap. Also, the “God thing.”

Welcome back, friends.

I’ve wanted to blog for months now and can’t quite get it together. Do I share the mundane aspects of life that I find amazing because I see God’s light in them? Do I tell the world about the blessings I continue to receive? Do I share the hard times and heartache I walk myself in to, and the amazing grace of God that walks me out? I’ve traveled recently and can’t help but want to share my travels with you like in days past. I want to share all of those things, but I feel like there is a gap between where my blog was, and where I am. I feel like I need to fill that gap instead of asking people to jump over it. I feel like I need to finish the story I was telling before, and connect the dots to today, but there’s a problem. The girl who used to write this blog no longer exists. The sometimes carefree life of hers that is written and documented in these archives is over. I could tell you those stories with perfect clarity, but they wouldn’t be joyful – they would be sad. They would be missing something. Some ONE. The woman who writes this blog NOW has a problem with that.

Here’s the problem… I think about my former travels and I think of who shared them with me. Every beautiful sight I saw, every road driven or (more often) walked down, every flight, every hike, every stamp in my passport, every story contains him. The one I don’t speak of, and try very hard not to think about. You know him (or don’t) as Cali, a.k.a. “The guy with tattoos on his face” a.k.a. “The guy (I) left (my) kids for” a.k.a. the most influential man who has ever been in my life. Most of you don’t know him at all, and some of you thought you knew him but didn’t. I don’t know him anymore, and sometimes I wonder if I ever really got the real him anyway. Regardless of whether or not I knew him, I spent nearly every day within arm’s length of him for a few years. We went on fantastic adventures (this blog has always been named Fantastic Voyage of 2). We saw magical sights, and had conversations I won’t forget ever. We experienced things that most people will never experience. We traveled the United States, and a few other countries. Together. Always together. So many of my firsts, bests, and onlys were with (or because of) him. When I have memories of things that made me truly happy in my past, he is almost always there. I don’t remember much from being a child, and my marriage was a tragedy… so when it comes to memories, the ones that have him in them come up more often than any others. I swam mainstream and popular when left to my own devices before him. I’ve never been creative or fresh, however fun and refreshing I was. I was a following leader. Read: I recognized a trailblazer when I saw one, and went after it, but I took my own group of followers with me. I was popular and “out in front,” but I wasn’t really the one in charge. Middle man, but also face of the campaign, if you will. And so very comfortable. Choosing to follow Cali changed my life. I never said no, even when I wasn’t sure what would come next. I was challenged and frequently pushed out of my comfort zone. I committed and followed through. I received many rewards. I didn’t feel like a failure even when I didn’t succeed. I knew joy and love. I grew. I learned. I taught. I discovered. I left behind and pushed forward. I believed in him and his ability to lead me (us) through whatever came our way. I had faith that every decision he made was the right one, no matter how uncomfortable or upset or confused it made me. Waiting because he said wait was always the right thing to do, even when I wanted nothing more than nownowNOW. Who I was in his eyes was the most important thing I could ever be. Who he said I was became who I really was. I loved him with so much of me… I had a huge hole in my life – my heart – that needed filling, and Cali was big. So big.

Now I know I made a huge mistake (even though the mistake worked out for the best). If you reread the last paragraph and replace “Cali” with “God,” it describes how I strive to live now. How I should have lived all along. How we should all be able to describe our lives. Cali even told me himself after we split up and he began following Christ, that the way I lived for him is the way we should all live for God. Talk about slap in the face… Fact is, I treated a man like a God. It may not have always been easy, but I made the daily decision to follow him according to his rule. His word. I thought about him before deciding anything. I considered him when talking to friends or family. I didn’t speak ill of him (well, nothing I wouldn’t say TO him). I didn’t say anything when he wasn’t around that he wouldn’t find pleasing if he were right next to me. I messed up now and then, but I have never been harder on myself than I was in those times until he forgave me. And he did. Every time. Even when I didn’t deserve it. I did what he said to do. I turned my life over to him. I looked to him for everything… and it wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I thought leaving him almost 2 years ago was the hardest. No. I thought completely cutting him out of my life a year ago was. Still no.

For a while, I thought he hardest thing I’d ever do was to do the same thing for the God I love that I did for a man. Even knowing that every blessing that came from that relationship came from God, and knowing that every thanks I gave Cali was deserved by God, I still have trouble. Sometimes, I get food in my mouth before I think to thank God for it. Frequently, if I get upset I’ll say something I shouldn’t before I stop and ask God for help. Every now and then I find myself in a place I wouldn’t be had I asked God if I should go. I have modified my language and hardly ever swear, but I struggle with finding words that fit some situations better than the ones frequented by sailors. Living my daily life as a Christ-follower is HARD. Remembering when I was a Cali-follower and how easy it seemed to come, has been known to bring me to tears. How could I follow a MAN so easily and have such a hard time following GOD? (I call it easy now, but at least a few of you know I had a struggle or two.) How could I live every day by a set of rules I didn’t necessarily understand, doing daily rituals I may not have time for that I did anyway because it was part of life, being molded into something different from what I was before and accepting it even when the world was against it… and not do the same for God? I’ve never wanted anything more in my life than I want to be a good and faithful servant to the Author and Finisher of my life. I’ve never been as willing to commit to something. I’ve never realized a greatness bigger than God, or a more constant force. But I STILL can’t seem to let go of certain pieces of myself and just be who He created me to be. The pieces that think I know better. .. the pieces that think I can do it by my own strength… I spent a good portion of 5 years serving someone I treated like a God, and now I look forward to spending eternity serving the One who really is. And it’s not so hard. Don’t get me wrong, it’s pretty tough, and I’m still not super good at it, but it’s still not the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Today, I say the hardest thing I’ve ever done is live for God under the watchful eyes of those who know who I was. Key word: was. The people who were there with me in the trenches of my previous life. The people who “know” me. The people who have seen me commit and quit… Some of those people call my love for God a fad. Some of them wonder when I’ll quit doing “the God thing” like I quit doing the Josh thing or the mom thing or the doctor’s office thing or the Cali thing… Some of them like to call out my past or present choices and use them to prove I simply must be faking. Some of them are REALLY supportive and some have even been inspired by God’s work in my life and have come to him themselves. I thought loving a man with facial tattoos and wearing a skirt in public was hard… publicly loving God is way harder. Hardest ever. And way worth it.

I don’t say any of that to complain. I am so incredibly thankful I went to what I call the University of Cali. I learned so much and grew more than I even know. I came out of that relationship so much more prepared to take on the world and live life. He did so much for me and I will forever thank him and give glory to God for all of it. Good and bad. If I hadn’t experienced that school of life with him, I wouldn’t have ended up in the place of being on my knees at the feet of God begging him to take me. (see THIS Blog for back story – if you’re new to my life you won’t be sorry.) However, just because I can appreciate his place in my life doesn’t mean I want to talk about him or think about him. I’m still hurting and I’m still healing. I do talk about it, but I’m not gonna here. I tell you this so that I don’t have to fill the gap, and I can move on with my blog. Jesus fills the gap, and his work in my life fills the hole in my story. I will share the testimony of how God met me where I was to lead me to my amazing church home (Celebration Church in Georgetown, TX), and took away my fear of becoming who I was MADE to be instead of who I was led to be. Being a willing and fulfilled follower of God is hard, but I’m not scared of it anymore. Following Cali made me unafraid to live boldly for myself – following God made me unafraid to live boldly for Him.

Jeremiah 17:5 This is what the lord says: “Cursed are those that put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord.”

Jeremiah 17:9 “The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?”

This cross is heavy, and sometimes I have a hard time picking it up. I get weak and want to follow my heart… In those times, I get to show and tell the world how strong my God is, and let Him guide my heart.

I’ve had people tell me it’s a miracle I’ve made it through my life in as good a shape as I’m in, and they’re right. It IS a miracle. A series of them, actually. And if people look at my life and see miracles, I know they are seeing Christ whether they recognize Him, or not… and I’m more than ok with that.

Stay tuned. Stay classy. Be blessed.


I’ve felt down since yesterday and I’m not sure what’s going on. It’s an old familiar feeling that doesn’t belong in the new me. The only thing I can think of is that I’m being tested. I’ve been doing so well in my walk with Christ that it is about time for me to be tested, I suppose. Since my wreck, I’ve been awakened. I have realized just how blind I’ve been. I’ve seen God everywhere and felt his amazing works in me and my life (and the lives of those around me). Since yesterday, I’ve felt alone and angry. I feel like things are all going wrong. I turned in my car, I was denied by my bank for a loan for another one, I’ve gained back some of the weight I lost… I feel overwhelmed by life right now. I can’t focus. I’m disinterested in everything. I’m so busy all the time but feel like I don’t accomplish anything. I know this feeling. I feel depressed. I don’t want to take my medication again and poison my body. I guess the low-carb way I’m eating could have something to do with my feelings, but why after 3 weeks? I’m concerned that thoughts of “feeling better” will start to take over. I don’t want to be who I used to be… I’m a new creation in God and I can’t forget that.


I need to make more time for God. I need to read my Bible more. I have GOT to be sure that seeking God is the number one thing in my life so that all other things will work together. 

Instagram. It’s like Facebook, only better… no drama!

Welcome back, friends.

I know, I know. I promised to blog more, and I haven’t. From the stats here, I can see that I’m still regularly read and checked on even though I haven’t posted a new one in a few months. I have some posts started, but I just haven’t been able to really say what I want to say the way I need to say it. I closed my Facebook recently (much to the chagrin of many) and I have begun using Instagram more often. I enjoy Instagram because it is pictures. That’s it. Just pictures. No drama, no bullshit. I get to see the people I care about (who have an IG), and they get to see me. As of today, Instagram is on the web. It has a feed. I can view my feed, my profile and my friend’s profiles on my computer! Anyone care to guess what that means? That’s right… free time = gone. lol

Come take a look… my profile is private, but if you are on Instagram, request to follow me. If you are NOT on Instagram, what are you waiting for???




I will blog again soon. Promise. No really. I have so much to say about where God has taken/is taking me and the people he has brought into/taken out of my life.

Are you one of them?


I’ve only ever seen the Rocky movies once. Spent a whole day watching them all in a hotel room. I’m at a friend’s house, and the tv flashes to Rocky II. In that instant, I was back there in the hotel room. For a moment, I could have sworn I was actually back there. I’ve never been transported in memory so strongly or swiftly… the experience has left me feeling a bit rocky myself. (see what I did there?)

What’s been going with me, you might ask… Stay tuned.

Batu Caves, home of monkeys, a lot of stairs, and a really tall statue.

Welcome back, friends. I had this post saved as a draft from September. The pictures are beautiful, as are the memories, so I’m posting it 🙂 Soon after the happening in this blog, I came back to the United States and Cali went on with his travels. I wanted so badly to go with him, but I couldn’t. I was feeling the effects of being away from my children, friends and family. Depression was setting in. After Mark died, I was painfully aware of how little time we have with the people we love. God was leading me back to the United States, and to a time of change… I hope you enjoy ❤

We took a taxi out to the Batu Caves. The caves are a Hindu shrine and they sit at the top of 272 concrete steps. On your way up the steps, you pass by the tallest Lord Murugan statue in the world–104 ft tall! Also on the steps are macaque monkeys 🙂 they are cute, but I also thought they were scary. I mean, they just look sneaky and unpredictable… all the shuckin’ and jivin’ and movin’ fast, probably. It wasn’t a terribly long drive out there, but it was nice to get out of the congestion of the city for a while. The caves followed the same weather trend that We found common in Malaysia: hot and muggy. Not many pictures that day from me… it was almost time for me to leave Him to go back to the US and I was already feeling the separation anxiety. I spent more time holding His arm than snapping photos 🙂


The statue and steps. (Photo by me)
Sneaky monkey. (Photo by me)
Awesome... thing. I don't know 🙂 (Photo by me)

It was a nice day. We went shopping and bought a few new dresses, bought things for loved ones back home, dropped off Our laundry, watched Star Wars II and Cali even took a lil nap ❤ Later that night, We went to the Ceylon Bar to have a few drinks and enjoy each others company.

Believe and Receive

Welcome back, friends. If you don’t already know (or didn’t figure it out from my last post: Long Time, no Blog), I live in Lockhart now. Not my first choice of places to reside, but where my baby daddy lives. Slow down… I don’t care to be closer to him than necessary, but my kids live with him, so I made the tough choice to return from whence I came. I don’t get to see my girls very often. Our custody agreement says that he MUST let me have them on every Thursday and every first, third and fifth weekend. Not only, but minimum. He has decided that minimum means only. *sigh* I ask him multiple times weekly for more time with them, I have asked to be able to pick them up after school every day and keep them until he gets home from work, I have tried to schedule times in advance when I am not “scheduled” to have them for us to be together. All shot down. For weeks, coming up on months now, I have prayed DAILY for more time with them. Still, every time I ask-he says no. I bring this up so you have a general idea of where I’m coming from with the rest of the story.

Yesterday, Wednesday, I got a phone call from the baby daddy’s mom. She was asking if I could pick the girls up from school and keep them until someone got home. They had some type of misfortune that required them to leave the house for the afternoon. While I am, and have been, praying that their hard times will be eased, I can’t tell you how AMAZING it was to get that phone call! All this time I have been sad and upset because their dad denies me more time with them. All this time I have been trying to see them and seeking his permission (which I kind of have to have). All this time I have been praying for his heart to soften towards me and let me have them more. I finally got more time with them when God gave HIS permission. No, I’m not happy that their normal after school caretaker is ill. However, that meant there wasn’t much he could do about me seeing them that day. God gave me more time with my girls, and I believe it is only the beginning.

I have mentioned multiple times already in this blog that my ex, let’s call him X, denies me time with my girls. “Why would he do that?” you might ask. Logical question, my friends. I have made mistakes. Many, in fact. Over the past five years, I have not always been there for my kids. As you can see from the many blog posts over the past years, I have been absent a good deal of the time. I maintained contact with them and sent them gifts and videos, but that is hardly the same as being present. They cried many tears, many times, that he was there to wipe. They asked many questions that he didn’t know how to answer. I caused a lot of pain to many people during this time. Have I ever done anything while in their presence that should keep me from them? No. But his thinking is that I could be gone again at any time. I understand. He doesn’t understand the life I have lived. He doesn’t know anything about me or my thought processes firsthand. He has decided on his own what my motivations have been and built a wall as high as heaven between me and those girls. I handed him the bricks to build that wall and it has my face all over it. I stand by the statement that he built the wall himself, however, because it is his ill will towards me that holds it together.

Only the grace of God will tear that wall down. Brick.by.brick.

I truly wish I saw those beautiful faces daily, but I didn’t always feel that way. It has been my own actions and decisions that got me to where I am now. I absolutely brought this on myself, and it is on me to prove myself worthy of them. God gave them to me for a reason. Now is that reason. I have learned so much from them. Their forgiveness and love never fails to amaze me. Teaching them about life, about God, about me and about themselves is humbling. Feeling like a giant and like a pea at the same time is disconcerting, but I don’t think there is a parent alive who doesn’t know that feeling. I only know that feeling because God showed it to me. He has changed me on the inside. In places I could have never reached on my own.

I have nothing but what the Lord provides me with, and I need nothing more. Being patient (there’s that word again) and trusting in God’s plan is heartbreaking at times. The thing about that is: sometimes we NEED the heartbreak. Sometimes, we need to remember that we are not in control. All times, we need to realize that God is perfect and so is His plan, and that if we follow Him we can not go wrong. God only knows how long it will be before I am in the regular presence of my princesses, but however long that is-it is worth the wait.

What are you waiting for? Have you asked God for it? Are you willing to do what is necessary to get it? Do believe it will be yours?

1 John 5:14, 15  And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for. (NLT)

Long time, no blog.

Welcome back, friends. As you know, I have not blogged since Malaysia (September). Around then, my life started changing and there has hardly been time for blogging. The time I have when I get to sit still and think is better spent praying than blogging. There is the first clue that my life has changed. I have been asked many times for blogs that chronicle the rest of the adventuring Cali (the love of my former life) and I did before stopping to return to the US. This is not that blog. Sorry for the disappointment, folks. I just don’t have it in me.

What this blog IS… I don’t quite know yet. I hope you’ll join me as I figure it out.

I feel like I could talk all day about the me I used to be. I could tell stories you might not believe, and others you would hope are not true, and others still that bring a smile to your face. I could talk about my journey back to the US alone, the aftermath, the joyous reunion and the heartbreak that followed. I believe I could even find it in me to share with you the mistakes I’ve made and learned so very much from… but I won’t. Why? Because if you don’t already know, then that part of my story isn’t about you. It isn’t for you. If any part of my story will bring a light into your darkness, God will lead me there with a flashlight of faith that never runs out of batteries. I will not provide my story as a basis for gossip, rumors or hearsay. I will sit down and have a cup of coffee with you and tell you all about it should you choose to ask 🙂 I don’t live in the dark, I don’t keep secrets, I don’t tell lies and I am not hiding anything now that I would be ashamed to uncover to the world. Now and here just aren’t the time and place.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Meghan. I live in Lockhart Texas, and my interests are: praying, reading my bible, driving legally and spending as much time as possible with the two most beautiful little girls this world has ever seen. I have 2 daughters. I am divorced, but still hold my married name. I would do anything to help anyone, be it stranger, loved one, friend or foe. I love to smile. I enjoy a glass of wine or two, but I do not get drunk. If I hear of a hard time you are experiencing, I will pray about it and ask others to do the same. I juice fresh produce at home. A lot. I want a garden. And chickens. I am growing my hair out to be as long as it can be, which presently isn’t very long since I’ve been shaving most of my head for about a year. I take very good care of my skin with Mary Kay products. I will own a house one day. I love my cat more than you can imagine. I wear comfortable clothes whether or not they are fashionable, though I do LOVE to be in style. My usual attire consists of a tank top and jeans with slip-on ballet flats, or a dress so cute you’ll want to slap me for it. My day (and sometimes night/weekend) job is as an editorial assistant and organizational wiz for a financial copy writing company. Read: I get paid to correct people’s spelling, punctuation and grammar, and I put things away in nice, neat little boxes online. My direct supervisor is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I heart my job. I love to clean. Not just clean, but CLEAN. Clean like you can see your reflection in the bathtub. Clean like you could cook on and eat off of the floor. Clean like even the dish soap bottle gets a wipe. If I have been to your house, especially if left alone there, I have probably cleaned something whether you know it or not. I am also available to be hired to clean your house, car or office. Did I mention I like to clean? Moving on… I have a large-screen blue laptop that I named Fancy. She hasn’t yet let me down. I listen to Adele quite often. When driving, I only listen to Christian radio. I will let you change the channel to suit your tastes if you ask, but I choose between 3 stations I can pick up depending on what area I’m in. I like to cook. I can cook a few things quite well without any direction at all, but I can follow a recipe with amazing results. I put sandwich cheese on spaghetti. I do not have any outstanding or unpaid tickets. I like rules. I love pink. I want to get married. Yes, again.

All that being said-you still know nothing about me unless you know that GOD is the most important thing in my life. The only reason I’m alive to write this blog, actually. Once I stopped struggling against God’s plans for me and accepted that He knows best, my life changed in ways I couldn’t possibly articulate.

Around February, I found myself with quite a bit of daily time on my hands. My world had been rocked; my future uncertain. I had hit a rock-bottom that I certainly can’t compare to other people’s much rockier bottoms, but for me-it was a devastating time. I felt myself hit the slab of concrete at the bottom of a hole I had been digging for myself over the years. I didn’t even want to wake up in the morning, and I certainly didn’t want to get out of bed when I did.  As I lie there, bleeding and broken, I had to make a choice: Die, or rebuild on this solid foundation of rock that I’d been given. I have always prayed. I have always believed in God. I have always claimed to be a Christian. At that time, there was nothing else I could do. I had lost everything I had fought for. I had done the “right” things and still felt so wrong. I no longer felt as if there was any tangible control to be had in my life. On that rock, I got on my knees. I prayed like I had never prayed before. I prayed with the belief that God could and would intervene in my life, not with the intention that praying would somehow give me the power to do it all myself. That was the biggest difference in my prayers… the belief that I was praying because I needed God, not because I was checking in with my supervisor/insurance policy in order to keep me in good standing or gain power. I lifted my hands and voice to God, and He was right there. Right.There. He didn’t pick me up off of my knees and deliver me into fortune, or take away all the pain I was feeling. He didn’t smite my enemies or bring my love to my door. But once I made the decision to ask God to open my eyes, ears, mind and heart to His word and plan, He did. He began speaking to me. He began changing me. I started to read my bible every day and listen to sermons from an app on my phone. I began vocalizing my intention to follow God and letting go of trying to control my own life.

I came to the realization that I am not capable of running my life alone. I can not be trusted to make the right decisions on my own. Without God, I will ruin my life and the lives of anyone I make decisions for. Once that became my truth, I began to make decisions prayerfully. I began to make decisions based on the old “WWJD?” philosophy. I began asking God for discernment and confirmation. And He gave it to me. No, He didn’t call me up on the phone, or leave me a creepy written on the mirror in the shower fog message, but He was (and is) very clear about things. Listening when God speaks has brought so many blessings into my life and I recommend it to everyone.

I recently had to make one of the hardest decisions I have ever made. A decision I did not (do not?) believe I am ready to make, but God impressed upon my heart that it was time. It involves being patient. Have we met?? lol Patience is not something I can claim to be good at. Even moderately. Knowing I might be waiting for something that will never happen makes it even harder. Trusting in God and believing that He has perfect timing and knows what is best for us all makes it… not easier, but less hard (if that makes sense). I no longer pray for easy. I no longer pray for God to take away my pain or move an obstacle or deliver anything into my hand. I pray for the strength to weather the storm and always believe that God is right next to me fighting for and with me through any pain. I pray for the ability to see and take whatever opportunity God presents me to overcome whatever obstacle might be there. I pray for the patience to wait for the time when I should receive, or the ability to accept when it is not meant to be. I communicate to God what I desire, even though He knows my heart better than I do, and then I trust that if it is meant for me, it will be. If I see a need in someone, I will give all I have to fill it because I know God will provide me with everything I need. If I don’t have something, it is because what I NEED is to go without it.

I still make mistakes. I still fall down. I still cry more than I’d like to admit, earning my “crybaby” nickname from an unnamed source. But now, I learn from my mistakes… when I fall, I don’t try to get up any further than my knees… when I cry, I thank God for His blessings in between sobs. I’m happier now, though my heart is broken, than I have ever been in my life. I am not sinless, but I strive to sin less. I am not perfect and I never will be. I am not who I once was.

Hello. My name is Meghan.

Easter 2012

I may have switched the station, but I still hope you’ll stay tuned…