Welcome back, friends. If you don’t already know (or didn’t figure it out from my last post: Long Time, no Blog), I live in Lockhart now. Not my first choice of places to reside, but where my baby daddy lives. Slow down… I don’t care to be closer to him than necessary, but my kids live with him, so I made the tough choice to return from whence I came. I don’t get to see my girls very often. Our custody agreement says that he MUST let me have them on every Thursday and every first, third and fifth weekend. Not only, but minimum. He has decided that minimum means only. *sigh* I ask him multiple times weekly for more time with them, I have asked to be able to pick them up after school every day and keep them until he gets home from work, I have tried to schedule times in advance when I am not “scheduled” to have them for us to be together. All shot down. For weeks, coming up on months now, I have prayed DAILY for more time with them. Still, every time I ask-he says no. I bring this up so you have a general idea of where I’m coming from with the rest of the story.
Yesterday, Wednesday, I got a phone call from the baby daddy’s mom. She was asking if I could pick the girls up from school and keep them until someone got home. They had some type of misfortune that required them to leave the house for the afternoon. While I am, and have been, praying that their hard times will be eased, I can’t tell you how AMAZING it was to get that phone call! All this time I have been sad and upset because their dad denies me more time with them. All this time I have been trying to see them and seeking his permission (which I kind of have to have). All this time I have been praying for his heart to soften towards me and let me have them more. I finally got more time with them when God gave HIS permission. No, I’m not happy that their normal after school caretaker is ill. However, that meant there wasn’t much he could do about me seeing them that day. God gave me more time with my girls, and I believe it is only the beginning.
I have mentioned multiple times already in this blog that my ex, let’s call him X, denies me time with my girls. “Why would he do that?” you might ask. Logical question, my friends. I have made mistakes. Many, in fact. Over the past five years, I have not always been there for my kids. As you can see from the many blog posts over the past years, I have been absent a good deal of the time. I maintained contact with them and sent them gifts and videos, but that is hardly the same as being present. They cried many tears, many times, that he was there to wipe. They asked many questions that he didn’t know how to answer. I caused a lot of pain to many people during this time. Have I ever done anything while in their presence that should keep me from them? No. But his thinking is that I could be gone again at any time. I understand. He doesn’t understand the life I have lived. He doesn’t know anything about me or my thought processes firsthand. He has decided on his own what my motivations have been and built a wall as high as heaven between me and those girls. I handed him the bricks to build that wall and it has my face all over it. I stand by the statement that he built the wall himself, however, because it is his ill will towards me that holds it together.
Only the grace of God will tear that wall down. Brick.by.brick.
I truly wish I saw those beautiful faces daily, but I didn’t always feel that way. It has been my own actions and decisions that got me to where I am now. I absolutely brought this on myself, and it is on me to prove myself worthy of them. God gave them to me for a reason. Now is that reason. I have learned so much from them. Their forgiveness and love never fails to amaze me. Teaching them about life, about God, about me and about themselves is humbling. Feeling like a giant and like a pea at the same time is disconcerting, but I don’t think there is a parent alive who doesn’t know that feeling. I only know that feeling because God showed it to me. He has changed me on the inside. In places I could have never reached on my own.
I have nothing but what the Lord provides me with, and I need nothing more. Being patient (there’s that word again) and trusting in God’s plan is heartbreaking at times. The thing about that is: sometimes we NEED the heartbreak. Sometimes, we need to remember that we are not in control. All times, we need to realize that God is perfect and so is His plan, and that if we follow Him we can not go wrong. God only knows how long it will be before I am in the regular presence of my princesses, but however long that is-it is worth the wait.
What are you waiting for? Have you asked God for it? Are you willing to do what is necessary to get it? Do believe it will be yours?
1 John 5:14, 15 And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make our requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for. (NLT)