Goodbye my brother.

Welcome back.  Today, Im having a tough time.  I hope sharing it here will help me accept that I have lost someone dear to me.  Right now, his death has only served to remind me that life is short and fragile and that anyone I know could be gone at any time.  I am floored by my emotions and by the extreme sense of loss I feel.  Today, my brother Mark Wills died.  I will never again hug him, or tell him how much I love him or have those great talks about how stupid the rest of the world who isn’t us is.  Im greatly saddened that I will never again be able to go to him when there is an internal family issue.  I will never again be able to sit with him and know that he loves me for who I am no matter who that is.  He might not be the only one who I can do that with, but never again will I get to do that with him.  There are others who miss him.  There are others who miss him who saw him daily, while I only saw him sometimes.  There are others whos daily lives will be different without him in it, and for those people, I cry more.  Through the worlds circumstances and some crazy shit, I met Mark and immediately loved him.  After a few very emotional times in my life that he was a part of, he became my brother.  He has tattooed me, he has allowed me to tattoo him. He has accepted me as the fucked up person that I am and loved me anyway.  He would have done anything for me, and for Cali and for anyone he knew-and now, he is gone.  I have a tattoo on my wrist that he did that I see every few minutes, every day of my life.  It has always reminded me of him and it always will.  I don’t know how to feel right now.  On one hand, I know that he is better off dead. His sweet soul has been through more than any person should ever experience.  He lost his mother, and can now release the pain of that loss.  He has been strong through it all and I had the pleasure of being his rock from time to time when he had trouble standing on his own.  My heart hurts.  On another hand, I want him back.  I want him back now.  I want to know that he is still there when I need him, and as selfish as it is-I WANT HIM NOW.  I will never again have him.  I will never again hug him.  I will never again hear his musical laugh or see him stumble drunk from the bar.  GD Sprankles is no more.  He was so much more than a friend to me.  He was more family than most of my blood relatives.  I never responded to the last email I got from him…I might never know how he died.  There are so many things I want to know, want to say, want to do…The next person would be my sister, or my best friend, or my mother, my grandmother, my Cali.  It could be anyone.  It could be me.  Nobody knows when.  Nobody knows who.  Nobody knows how.  And right now, I don’t know anything.  I have a lot to think about.  I miss so many people.  Im already grieving for people who aren’t dead because they could be in only minutes.  I know I will get through this.  I know he will be with me as I do, but Im so sad and I feel like something is now missing from my life that I never thought would be gone.  Who do you love  Do they know it?  Can you reach them?  Touch them.  Now.  You might never get to do so again.

 

He let me tattoo him...he tattooed the same on me.
DONKEY PUNCH
I love my brother
Family
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5 thoughts on “Goodbye my brother.”

  1. I don’t really have anything of substance to say or offer, other than to state that I *understand* the utter, perhaps even irritating, sadness you are feeling. And for that, I sympathise and am sorry, both.

  2. Sometimes, morbid, horrible jokes that are funny manage to cheer me up for a little bit, when I’m *really* down. I just heard once such joke and will share, in hopes that it might offer you a tiny reprieve as well.

    Once upon a time, in China, in some village, an old warrior fell in love with a beautiful young woman. He didn’t know how to express his love towards her, so opted for the only thing he was skilled at and killed all the handsome men in the village. The girl, however, didn’t seem too impressed and paid him no mind. Confused, he killed all the ugly men as well, but with the same result–the young woman didn’t seem to notice him, still. And so, not knowing what else to do–he killed himself. And all of this happened only because there is no term for “lesbian” in Chinese.

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